July 1, Pembroke.
In the end I couldn't do it.
Today would be my last day at the circus, and the threshold to my new life as a teacher. I would be driving to Providence to settle in with my first roommate for the summer, I would be unpacking, I would be studying even more than I have already to be ready for Day One of pre-service training with the Rhode Island Teaching Fellows, I would be relocating to a strange place far away from my family, facing an incredibly intensive five-week training, while looking for a job and getting ready to be the best teacher in that school, I would be looking for a way to get my own kids in a reasonably good school this late in the process, I would be waiting to see where I would work to see where I would live, I would be worrying about getting down to the details, how I would make it to school every morning and get my kids to their school at the same time, I would be feeling lonely, really, deeply lonely, I would find myself face to face with those daunting challenges, but in the end I couldn't do it.
It has been a few hard days of soul-searching, wrenching decisions and wondering, but I am grateful for them for they have taught me a lot about myself.
In the end I could not do it, and I feel terrible about it but also reconciled. I asked to be deferred to next year's cohort of fellows, and am waiting for their answer. One year to break away from this my life and build a new one, one piece at a time, something I can deal with, and feel serene about, a new place to call home before heading into the whirlwind of this teaching program.
I am reminded of that old airplane safety routine that nobody listens to anymore, please place the oxygen mask on your face before attempting to help others with it, a drawing maybe or a video of a woman calmly helping a child seating next to her after putting her mask on.
One year, taking care of myself and my children, one year, the lady in the picture, calmly, and then I can see about saving the world one high school class at a time.
Sunday, July 01, 2012
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6 comments:
I'm sorry for your dilemma but I'm glad you resolved it.
Alberto Ramirez Jr.
I'm sorry for your dilemma but I'm glad you resolved it.
Alberto Ramirez Jr.
That is the best decision. If you don't feel right in yourself, the rest won't feel right.
Take care. Keep writing. Keep shooting.
Then that's it. Then that's the right answer.
Who says your answer has to be like someone else's? Who says the right time is someone else's.
You know whats right. You just found right.
Now, relax.
You weren't ready. You're smart to know that, and to know that a year from now, you will (or may be) ready. You weren't ready. To say no, I need more time, does not show weakness. It shows caution and it shows that you think big, think long, and that if you can't give it your whole heart, it won't be right. I am sad for you to have to put it off, on one hand, but also happy for Fridman and the boys, who still need you. Another year passed won't matter. It will all be as it should be. Blessings to you.
Thank you all so much for your words of understanding and support, it does mean a lot to me.
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