Shadows.

January 3, Saint-Ismier.

You are revealed to yourself in your kids - I not I. I am left wide open and hurt again.
Today for the first time I brought Dylan and Nicolas to the elementary school near my mother's home, the first day of their "community life," la vie en communauté, the French like to say, life with others. Here school starts at three, so Nicolas went too.
This morning was getting up early and getting ready for the day many times announced, this morning it went so fine, Dylan disappeared into the classroom as I'd thought, and even Nicolas, clingy Nicolas stayed behind without a look at me.
And then.
L'enfer c'est les autres, Sartre said.
Being bullied, I want to go home, being afraid, feeling like you want to be miles away and hide, being a kid again, I can't stand seeing my kids cry, I feel so awkward, the cruelty of childhood, left unsaid, the wounds, left buried, here to be touched, a life/time to find my voice, ha! still trying, and I can't stand seeing my kids cry, crying, the cruelty of childhood, why did I leave him there, why is it still there, the wounds, trying to find my voice, but this is no about me it's about him isn't it?, why didn't I come back and get him, crying, learn to live with others, learn to defend yourself or shut up, what's the use it's only the beginning.
This afternoon after lunch recess I witnessed Dylan being bullied in the school yard. He started crying but after going to the teachers I left him there with them, crying for me. Then I turned around and went back and got him.
Nicolas was home, no afternoon school till later, don't want to be too hard on the little one; in the morning he was fine until he saw his brother in the school yard and then he started crying and all they could do was carry him into the classroom and leave him to cry. Crying.
I am left wide open and hurt again.
I want to go home, to the fragile haven of life in the circus, to face my open wounds the only way I know.
It is never enough but it'll have to do.
Tomorrow we try again to face our fears.

Photo by Dylan.